That's Me

Irritated
Secluded
lonely
frustrated
stressed

I was at the grocery store on Monday getting fruits and vegetables from reams. I was standing in the entry way putting on Kacen's winter beanie hat, (I know I should have done this before even being outside.) and I was in the way of this older lady. She noticed the plastic hook still connected to his hat and attempted to pull at it, I said it would need scissors. She answered me saying that she had scissors in her purse and asked me if I would like to use them. I just stood there, "No, I'm fine." What is wrong with me? There this lady was wanting to help me. I told her no and preceeded to ignore her. I just wanted to be left alone. I am so used to being in my own little world with three children, no help, no adult conversation or interaction. The nice lady came up with her scissors and cut off the plstic hook and then continued to politely talk about the bumpy apples and how they came to be.

I was irritated with her just like I am at Alona's computer class when this lady picks up Abbi and carries her around. It is hard when I don't have friends yet, don't feel comfortable with the people around me.

Last night I was fixing dinner, the baby was screaming Abbi and Alona were screaming and refusing to help me. I was beyond frustrated, earlier I had withdrawn myself to my room with ice cream...they wouldn't let me have time out. They came in with their coloring books and crayons and wanted my help in helping them match rhyming words. And then they spotted my ice cream, no stress relief for me! They were so cute in wanting help but I really needed a moment for myself. Not a single one of my children took a nap yesterday!

I have no time for myself, which I am used to. But reality kicks in, I see/read about other mothers who are doing more than me. But their circumstances are all different. They have only one child. I am down-hearted with how unprofessional looking my scrapbooks are and all the skill that I lack, I wish I could take classes. I have NO time to read anything of interest to me including the love and logic book that Marta let me borrow. I do believe I have read a page and a half in the past week. I spend more than an hour a day reading Bert and the Broken teapot, There's a Monster at the End of this Book, Val's books and other such things. I get to sing primary songs and nursery rhymes and play with little people. And somewhere amongst all of this I get to teach my children things like how to be responsible and how to read, rhyme, and write (especially their own name, which usually ends up in a thrown crayon or two and an exclamation of "I can't do it!"). All of the things that I do seem to only get a miniscule portion of the attention that they really need. Not all the chores get done at once, I am lucky to get the dishes done in the 15 minute nap that Kacen takes around 9 p.m. Not to mention I go days without a shower at times. I attempted to watch five minutes of a show that I like yesterday, and Alona starts jumping and singing really loud and says "I don't want you to watch your show."

I miss my family. I am a weirdo, I have been married almost six years and not one of those years has been spent close to my family. But yet about once a month or so I have this overwhelming urge to visit them. I really miss them. Even though the ones that I miss the most rarely visit me.

I would have pictures but my connections to the computer from my camera are not working.