July 26th

Today's observation:
The longer that it takes me to cook a meal the more that my children will disdain it.

Kacen fell into a bucket of bubbles (dawn dish soap diluted in water) he was screaming hysterically, had a hard time breathing and had soap coming out of his nose, mouth and eyes. I shouldn't freak out so much, this is not my first child it is my third. When I pulled him out of the bucket I felt like a first time mother, I felt so helpless, I just desperately wanted him to be ok. His Dr.'s office was closed, and silly me I didn't want to drive to the instacare, the ER was only a minute down the road. Yes I felt retarded taking my baby to the ER just because he had fallen into dish soap, they see so many more serious things, but this was serious to me! They cleaned out his eyes with 500 ml of saline solution. I had to hold him down, that was very hard to sit and watch his eyes were wide open, he was screaming hysterically and liquid was poured over his eyes. I just wanted to hold him. It was a great thing to have his eyes cleaned out, he was able to open them afterwards before he wouldn't open his eyes, he got himself so worn out after cleaning out his eyes that I picked him up and he was calm and went instantly to sleep, stayed asleep the whole way home.

Yesterday me and Paul were able to make it to the temple! Marta came down and watched the kids while we went. I love the calmness of the temple. It took longer than expected, we got home about 8:00, I fed the baby, we did sparklers and the girls went to bed and then we were able to go and eat. We got back and the baby was so happy to see me!! Marta did a good job at keeping him calm until I got home. Kacen still won't take a bottle.

Alona does an awesome job at being a big sister, She helps Abbi get up onto Alona's bike and pushes her back and forth in the backyard. Alona played with Abbi today while I fed Kacen. They kept themselves busy in the backyard and in the house, swinging on the swings, pretending to put out fires in the backyard, riding bikes and playing with babies. They are so great.
Today is mine and Paul's 6th Wedding Anniversary. We went out together yesterday and did not budget for any gifts, but thats ok...part of being an adult! We did budget to go out for dinner! One quality that I have noticed about Paul this year, he does not complain about others, not just me.

This past year has been really difficult for me, I have had to try really hard every day to be happy, happy with where we are living, happy with the pediatrician that we have, happy with the ward that we live in, happy though we are far from family, happy despite many things. One thing that is constant is the gospel, I have had to rely on the strength that I get from praying to be at peace with things, to know that I cannot change things, everything that I left behind still makes me sad. I was having problems with anxiety attacks and other problems and sought professional help, once the anxiety attacks stopped I no longer desired to have the help and now I am trying really hard to be better. I asked for help from the ladies in our ward two nights ago on the 24th, which is really hard for me. I do not feel comfortable/connected with this ward, But I need to put forth effort and so I called around and asked for someone to help me with dinner. I felt silly, the reason that I was asking for help was because Kacen at first didn't want me to put him down after he woke up from taking his nap after the hospital. It is really hard to cook when your child does not want to be put down, because I have no one else here to hold them or cook.