Motivation and me

I know that I need to lose at least twenty pounds, and most times I dont have the drive, the motivation or determination, to jump on or keep on that band wagon. I have even joined on two, TWO weight loss forums. One on myfitnesspal.com and another one with some ladies on facebook, and yet I still am not where I should be. They have an option for blogging on myfitnesspal.com, which I did and am now transferring that post from there to here, minus a few tidbits, because well , I know that on here by some I am judged. I would like to be free and open about everything on here, but the truth isnt always what others want to hear or are ready to deal with, or even understand from someone else's perspective. Even what I have put here, I know some will judge and definitely not understand, and I need to be ok with that, I need to be okay with being me. So here it is:

Not as motivated as I should be

Being that I go days at times without much of any real adult contact. My husband is awake and home with us a very limited amount of time two days a week. Like th other night when I had had my three day stretch (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and then Sunday till 4pm) with just the kids and I, and then we went through the motions of taking care of the children, giving them some good, fun moments and getting them off to bed. After Jesse was rocked and put down, my husband also lied down, I thought that he was asleep for the night.. and I ate 1 1/2 bowls of cereal.

This online thing is great and all, but Its hard to feel that I really have real live support. a mountain dew, snacking during the day, a treat, these are things that sometimes brighten my moments. It is really hard for me to find things to brighten my moments besides food and treats at times. I get really lonely, and struggle with dealing with my loneliness and also frustrations with the children in other ways besides eating. I was thinking of who to call today, Just to talk... shoot the breeze, and I Couldn't think of anyone.

Exercise is really hard for me. In order to do my exercise video that I have Jesse has to be asleep, so nap time is when I have to do it. And well some times other things need to get done during nap time and i am not able to fit that in because there is too much to do or he takes too short of a nap. When I had three children, and even last year when Jesse was a baby I would take them on walks in the double stroller. Jesse in the baby bjorn, Abbi, Kacen and Alona in the two seats and in the basket under carriage. But now that Jesse is a bit bigger it seems more strenuous on my back to go on a good walk like that without hurting my back.Or too much to put Jesse in the stroller and have one of the older kids walk and do the hard core walk that would enable me to get the workout that I need.