better

I dont blog like I use to because I have a baby, and even though I have three other children this baby takes up my life. Having three children and a baby and all that I have to do to take care of them causes a lot of anxiety. This morning was actually great, even though Jesse woke up at 12:30 and 5:00 a.m. He then slept until 9 am and then went down for a nap at 11:30. On most days he wakes up around 4 am and then wakes up again around 8:30 and sometimes will take a nap around 3:00.

With anxiety it has been really hard to look on the bright side of things, and I am sorry to those of you who are close to me and maybe hear me looking down on things a lot more than I should. But I truly am so blessed, money is not so tight that we cannot pay everything that we owe. In fact we can fit all of our bills, including our student loans and our account to RC Willey from putting tires and an alignment on Paul's car. And have some left to pay a BYU student teach Alona piano and for Abbi to attend a combined dance class; it has modern, ballet and tap dancing! We have a budget for everything, but that is so okay with me. And if I try real hard we can squeeze a little extra in to our budget, which I love and would love to do it more so that I could help others who are having a harder time than we are.

I am blessed to be in a home that will fit all of my family in to it, even if all of our "stuff" doesn't have a lot of space, thats okay. Yes I would like a better/bigger place, but that is not something that is within our means at the moment with some uncontrollable factors. We are allowed to have a pet where we live and that is a great blessing. I have Mandy as a neighbor and I dont know what I would do without her.

My children really are wonderful. (Of course they have their moments, but don't they all!) I fell down the stairs the other night while carrying Abbi in to the house. She was crying not because she was hurt, just because she was woke up. Poor thing scared me, I thought that she was hurt. I made sure she was all right, and then... Alona went out to the van and woke up Kacen, brought me his pj's and both girls cleaned up the living room. They saw their mothers owie legs, scrapes from my knees to my toes and a bloody elbow. they took care of their mother and brought me band-aids. My children listen a lot of the time and are very sweet. They are great learners as well, I have been blessed with two sweet girls that learn all that their Mommy likes to teach them and then some. I feel bad when I have them watch television so much.

But its not what the children do or that they are wonderful that adds to my anxiety. It is that with a baby and with doing four children basically on my own does just give me anxiety even with the sweetest of children. Just knowing that I do have them awake 18 hours a day and then for those other six hours I have to some how fit in cleaning and SLEEP it is a bit much. Getting out of the house is one of those things that builds on my anxiety so much. Trying to get them all ready, the diaper bag, extra clothes for Kacen, the chores done in the house the children presentable and make sure that Jesses' stomach is content overwhelms me.

All day I six times a day (at least) I am feeding a baby, I really do enjoy this, but while I am feeding him everything else is put on hold and my other children that demand my attention constantly know that this is the time to act up and they do. Its hard to go over to Abbi, get down on her level and sweetly talk to her while she is pouring bowls of water on her brother and sister and the kitchen floor while I am feeding Jesse and or trying to get him down for a nap. Or one of the other hundreds of different occurrences that can happen, even simply Alona while I am trying to put Jesse down just trying to tell me about something from her day, because if she talks to loud it will wake up Jesse and then he will be awake and too interested in her to go to sleep.

So this week after the new year had started, a relief, a happiness came over me. I still have really bad anxiety but I am happier, I feel HAPPY. Jesse will be ONE this year even though it is a few months away, it is THIS year. And with that he will be weaned this year, he will be able to self-feed, he will be able to walk and probably talk a bit. And with all those thoughts just a peace came over me. Even though he will be my last and I am sad about that, and I will cherish these moments that he does have, I am happy that the stressful babyhood and other children stage will be behind me. There is hope for better things to come