Judgements, anxiety

Its not that I am setting my blog on private settings so that strangers out there dont look in to my life and see my children, see things about my life, or read things that are personal to me. Though hey those are probably pretty darn good reasons to set a blog to private and it probably should be. Sharing to strangers seems so much simpler. Having a chance that something I write might strike a chord with someone that I have never met before, that maybe they have gone through something similar and get me seems so much more humane than someone I know seeing a fault in my writing, in my life, in something that they just dont see eye to eye on with me and judge me. Maybe they will read something and think that it is about them, or read my ramblings and see me as a debbie downer or constant complainer, even though they cant possibly see where I am coming from because...they have never been there or they might have handled the situation differently. But really how could they know that they would have handled it differently if they dont know every circumstance and feel all of the same things that I do...well, they cant.
I have anxiety, it is not something that I admit to many people or talk about to unless they are close to me. I am glad that my sister and I can share this, though I wish it was something that she didnt have to endure either. It is said that anxiety is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, though my imbalance was caused by stresses that led to the imbalance. After Kacen was born I didnt have help, I did not have a great support group or cheering section, my husband was on a schedule with work and such a sleeping disorder that I never got a break with my no napping little guy. I seemed to get better when he was about a year. But before he was two with everything still going on I needed a break and my sister was willing to let me be a live in with her for two months. What an awesome sister I have! I didnt realize at the time but needing a break that badly, and not having anyone to support me, to help me, on my great grandmothers lawn early in August that year I had my first anxiety attack. My sister was the one person who was there for me who told me that very night that I could bring my things over and stay with her :) After being with her for two months, having someone with me every day, it just felt so good. And I was able to go home and try to learn how to better deal with my anxiety.

With anxiety I just cant get my nerves to calm down, I over eat to calm my self down, I stay up too late because I cant calm down, I am jumpy and irritable and am nervous about things. And I have learned how to manage. I wish that I could be normal, especially with my dad, who was a schizophrenic, my mother who is bi-polar and other family members who have other lovely eccentricities. I have just wanted to be normal..

But its okay, I have come to terms with having anxiety and dealing with it the best that I can.
Being judged because of my anxiety is one thing. Also being judged, from complaining, I have heard before that I complain too much on occasion about my children. I know that they are a blessing and are the most innocent wonderful human beings out there. But along with being a mother 24/7 there is a lot of stress and things that happen that well, sometimes just need to be let out. and if I do it on here, thats because this is my blog. This is where I would like to feel free to be myself. And I will try to share more of the positives of being a Mommy too though in the past "I" thought I have done a good job of that.

I love children, I love being pregnant, and on many other personal levels, I have always wanted a big family and one day, possibly if things work out the way we've planned it, it will be a family of five children. I am afraid of the judgments and or comments from others when this happens. In fact so much that I am weary of telling others when this happens. I have come to learn from experience that I can count on few for support, and I know that having my four children older when this happens will make it a ton easier on me. I am glad that I have a patient husband who is really good at waiting for things, and on this, waiting is really good for me and I am excited to enjoy the children I have now and to enjoy our last one when he/she comes.